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| January 19, 2007 |
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A few weeks ago I was speaking at a Rotary Club in Sebastopol. The topic was ``How to Age Successfully and Remain Sexy.'' I confess I threw in the ``sexy'' part in order to grab their attention. I leaned into the podium and asked, ``Do you really want to know the key to successful aging?''
The room became silent. I paused, and then said, ``Stop paying so much attention to your cholesterol and start paying attention to gratitude and forgiveness in your life.''
This little discovery was the result of a 10-year Harvard College study that researched what it takes to age in a positive and healthy manner.
With all of the focus on material gifts during the holidays, sometimes the best gifts we can give to others and ourselves are overlooked.
Gratitude comes from contentment. To be content with our circumstances, relationships, health and possessions at any moment in our lives is the secret to finding joy as well. I remember living in a small apartment in Chicago, then later in Los Angeles. We had few material belongings, and we were living in rough inner-city neighborhoods. But I was content because I found sheer joy in my work as a minister.
Forgiveness may be the ultimate spiritual task for us all. It is gut-wrenchingly difficult. It demands empathy, humility, an open heart and a conscious choice to forgive regardless of what our emotions tell us. It is a process, not a point in time, but that process frees us in a way that nothing else can.
The alternative is bitterness, disappointment, anger, resentment and hostility. All of which can strangle a healthy life both emotionally and physically.
Experience has taught me that forgiveness is never cheap. When the person who commits an offense against us or harms us in some way does not take responsibility for wrongdoing or fails to be remorseful, it is incredibly difficult. We are left with the choice of holding onto the pain and anger or letting it go for the sake of our health.
In this instance, forgiveness becomes about self love. I choose to forgive because I know it is the best thing for me to do, not because the wrongdoer deserves my forgiveness. In the process, we sometimes find empathy for the person who harmed us or, at the least, pity.
The holiday season often brings to mind memories of painful past relationships or disappointments. They are joyous times for many and grievous times as well. I hope during this holiday season, whether you are alone or in the company of many, that there will be opportunity to find reasons to be grateful -- for a smile, a hot meal, the kindness of strangers, a daffodil bulb or pretty lights.
I hope it will also be a time for forgiveness, because whether you are Jewish, Christian, Muslim or something other, the message of grace rings true for us all -- the grace of the divine, the grace we give to others and the grace we give ourselves.
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A couple of weeks ago I attended the Reverend Coffee Human Rights Awards. I was privileged to present the award I received last year in the Professional category to Jim Foster, a family therapist who started a nonprofit organization called Positive Images for teens struggling with their sexual identity. Dozens of kids, as well as their parents, have attended groups and counseling through Positive Images, kids who identify as gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual. These teens are at the highest risk for committing suicide. There is no doubt in my mind that Jim has been responsible for literally saving the lives of some of these kids.
I also had the privilege that evening of meeting State Senator Mark Leno from San Francisco, the keynote speaker. He does not hide the fact that he gay. He told a story about two elderly men who had been life partners for over 50 years. That is fifty years of living together through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. When one of the partners died very suddenly of a heart attack a couple of years ago, the surviving partner was left without the Social Security benefits and the pension of his deceased loved one, simply because the state did not recognize their union as a legal one. Thus, the surviving elderly gentleman is now struggling to get by on his low Social Security benefits and without the benefit of his life partner’s pension; he would have had access to both had they been “married” in the eyes of the State.
During my years as CEO of the Council on Aging, I have received many heartbreaking letters from gay and lesbian seniors, seniors who have lived their lives in secrecy for fear of being rejected by their families and loved ones. I can only imagine the toll on one’s emotional life when you have to hide a significant part of your identity.
This is why I stood up at a recent City Planning Commission Meeting to support the building of the Fountaingrove Lodge, one of the first continuing care retirement communities marketing to the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. Though it has yet to be built, it is already filling up with reservations. Perhaps the most significant thing that the Fountaingrove Lodge will do is provide a safe place to age for people who have felt ostracized most of their lives.
The suicide risk not only affects gay and lesbian teens. Not long ago, a beloved donor and friend of the Council on Aging took her own life when she found she could not get beyond the grief of losing her lifetime partner to cancer. I had recommended to her many times that she join a hospice or bereavement support group, but she declined to do so. I believe that, as a 71-year-old lesbian woman, she was afraid to come out to a group of strangers. It simply had not been acceptable in her generation.
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